


Not a toy

by iwannalovebucky



Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Alpha Natasha Romanov, Bed Sex, Bedroom Sex, Behind Closed Doors, Bisexuality, Bruce Banner mentioned - Freeform, F/F, Fingerfucking, Friends With Benefits, Fuck Or Die, Fuckbuddies, Fucked Up, Fucking, Gay, Gay Character, Gay For You, Gay Panic, Gay Sex, Heartache, Heartbreak, Heartbreaking, Irondad, Lesbian Sex, Magic Fingers, Making Out, My First Smut, Natasha Romanov & Tony Stark Friendship, Natasha Romanov Feels, Natasha Romanov Has Issues, Natasha Romanov smut, No Lesbians Die, POV Lesbian Character, Protective Tony Stark, Rough Kissing, Rough Sex, Roughness, Secret Crush, Secret Relationship, Sex, Sex Toys, Shameless Smut, Smut, Smutty, Steve Rogers & Natasha Romanov Friendship, Steve Rogers mentioned - Freeform, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Stark is a Good Dad, Vaginal Fingering, Vaginal Sex, WE LOVE THE GAYS, but you see what i did there, everything is just so gay, my gay little heart, not really - Freeform, slutty, tony stark is a dad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-06
Updated: 2018-08-08
Packaged: 2019-06-22 23:54:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,716
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15593610
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iwannalovebucky/pseuds/iwannalovebucky
Summary: It didn’t take long for you to be clearly, definitely, absolutely not sleepy anymore. You couldn’t even recall how you managed to get yourself from massaging Natasha’s clothed shoulders to lying beneath her, trapped by her tights around your waist, her hands pressing yours against the bed sheets, her tongue and lips muffling the desperate noises forming in your throat. You didn’t even try to remember how it happened for it didn’t matter. She was there and her lips were on yours, her tongue was between your teeth, her taste was in your mouth. It blew your mind, ever other thought wiped away.





	1. Chapter 1

You tossed around in your bed, trying to find some sleep. Your dad and the team were expected to come back to the Avengers base soon. Having not seen them in two weeks you were excited for them to return, hoping all of them would be fine. You had only recently moved to the base but already you held each one of them close to your heart.

Tony had always put a lot of effort into keeping you safe and out of harm’s reach. The public eye had never been on you, he had made sure of it. Given the opportunity to live a normal live apart from all of the troubles being rich and famous brought along you went to school like everyone else and then to college, taking after your father.

You were a little slower at it, though. Not because you didn’t have the abilities to rise above everyone else when it came to grades but because you wanted to hide just that. Being a genius among kids is not the best thing to be after all. Whenever a teacher would praise you in front of the class you just wanted to hide from all the eyes that were on you, like you always did. You didn’t want the attention of a bunch of mean and jealous children. You were almost glad once you finished school and went to college.

But now that you had finished that too, you needed work experience. And what place could possibly be better than the lab of your father and a genius with anger managing issues? You had been struggling to adjust at first with all the new people and the big compound but thankfully everyone was keen to help. You loved the team dearly, all of them being a part of your life now, someone protecting you from the evil in the world additionally to your father.

They were a protective shield around you and you missed them when they were gone. It didn’t bother you that they would go on missions and leave you alone. You could deal with that. You always had dealt with spending little time with your father anyways (which didn’t keep you from loving each other), you didn’t want them to come back so that they could protect you. It was quite the opposite. You wanted them to return so that you could keep them safe and protected. They deserved more: more love and happiness, more quiet nights and healing. You wanted to give that to them, every time they would return from a mission, every time you expected them not to return and were proven otherwise.

So now, there you were, in your bed, desperately waiting for that moment of relief and happiness pushing away every ounce of exhaustion and anxiety that bundled up in you through these past two weeks. Just as Tony had always been concerned for your safety you were just as concerned for his. His missions made you sleep less and worse, they made you linger around the compound not letting you rest. They made your palms sweaty and unsteady every time you thought about the times he would return bloodied and bruised, your walk a little slower and your mind a little faster. Sometimes it would send horrible thoughts racing through you, anxiety rippling along with them. They made you stay awake until 2 AM, waiting for Friday to announce his arrival. You waited for that now.

And just as you reflected on the past two week you had spent alone in the base trying to figure out a way to spend the remaining time until the team arrived when - just like it had been reading your mind - the AI finally spoke to you: “The team has just arrived. Everyone is back and seems to suffer only minor injuries.”

The sheets were sent flying to the floor, your feet knowing their way around the compound well enough to find the hangar by themselves now.

-

Everyone had been tired, including you, eager to go (back) to bed and relax after the past fourteen days, be it because of injuries or exhaustion, everyone in the compound needed and deserved a good night’s sleep and everyone was on their way to get some except for Natasha.

She was tired, sure; exhausted, of course – how could she not be, she just spent two weeks with Sam and Bucky – but she couldn’t unwind. Unlike everyone else she didn’t relax throughout the flight back home, the tension that had made its way into her muscles never leaving or easing off even the tiniest bit. She needed stress relief and the first thing that came to mind when thinking about that was, well, sex. Unfortunately, there wasn’t really anyone around she could have sex with right now and she certainly was not in the mood to go out and look for someone.

Her feet hurt and a small but evil slash on her calf was keeping her from going anywhere outside of the compound anyway. She could ask Steve to spend some time with her, she always found peace in his presence, but he had been tired out the most during the mission, he deserved some sleep. As did every other team member. So, there was only you left, which didn’t bother her at all.

The two of you had spent a great amount of time together, even before you moved into the compound. She was one of Tony’s best friends, after all. But ever since she had got to know you she had tried to keep you as far away from the danger that came along with being an Avenger. You weren’t one and you certainly were never going to be one, but Natasha’s enemies wouldn’t give a damn about that. Everything related to missions was filtered in her head before she spoke it, not wanting to burden you with triggering information.

Wincing slightly as she walked towards your room after a short but well deserved hot shower she hoped you were still up. She knew that you would never neglect her care and comfort when she would ask for it, she only had be given the chance to do so. Lucky for her, you were awake.

“Hey,” you mumbled into the dark hallway, tired eyes almost falling shut as you spoke. “Wha’s wrong?” you managed to get out.

Smiling softly at your sleepy form holding onto the open door of your room she replied: “All good, I could just use some stress relief. I thought maybe-“

“Am I supposed to massage you now?” you yawned out, slowly becoming more awake.

“Well,” Natasha laughed a little. “Wouldn’t be the worst idea.”

 


	2. Chapter 2

It didn’t take long for you to be clearly, definitely, absolutely not sleepy anymore. You couldn’t even recall how you managed to get yourself from massaging Natasha’s clothed shoulders to lying beneath her, trapped by her tights around your waist, her hands pressing yours against the bed sheets, her tongue and lips muffling the desperate noises forming in your throat. You didn’t even try to remember how it happened for it didn’t matter. She was there and her lips were on yours, her tongue was between your teeth, her taste was in your mouth. It blew your mind, ever other thought wiped away.

The only thing you could focus on was getting closer to her, pushing your hips up into hers, biting her lip to pull her closer, the kiss getting messier and messier until it was all teeth and tongue and teeth. Your heartbeat was thrumming in your ears - or maybe it was hers - her breathing mixed with your own, thick with lust and moans. You were sure your knuckles were white from holding onto her hands like your life depended on it but you could not have cared less about that. You were sure your knuckles were white from holding onto her hands like your life depended on it but you could not have cared less about that. All you wanted was for her to do with you whatever she wanted to, as long as she did it now. You weren’t sure if you would survive another second of waiting.

It felt like she kept on kissing you for a lifetime, ignoring the desperate whimpers and whines rolling off from your lips onto hers. Finally she decided to go further, her lips making their way from your cheek to your yaw to your neck, devouring that special spot behind your ear. You couldn’t remember the last time you were so desperate for someone else to just take you, right then and there. But she just kept kissing you, leaving a barely-there trail of salvia along your collar bones, marking you right beneath them where she pulled your shirt down. You couldn’t decide if you wanted to screw your eyes shut or if you wanted to look at her and relish the way her lips looked around your flesh while you could feel her teeth adding to the mark she sucked onto you where no one else would see. The sounds she made alone could be enough to get you off, you were sure.

“Nat – please,” you finally managed to whimper out between heavy breaths and soft moans.

She only pulled your shirt even deeper down, lightly sucking on the soft flesh of one of your breasts now, making your hips buck into hers eagerly. “Please,” you all but cried out now. You felt like you could cry, tears of desperation already forming behind your now closed eyelids. She ignored your now frequent begs for mercy as more and more marks formed on your neckline.

Her hands finally let go of yours, grabbing the hem of your shirt faster than your worked up brain was able to grasp and before you could even make out her intentions it was already pulled over your head, revealing your naked breasts. As it was thrown across the room neither of you cared where it landed. Her lips immediately found yours again, not even letting you breathe before kissing you again. Her hands now framed your face, pulling your hair when you gripped her hips.

She pulled your head back, dark-blown eyes looking into yours that surely didn’t look any less frantic. “You okay?” she asked.

“Yes. Please.” You voice was raw and hoarse from moaning, begging and whimpering but you didn’t care as long as it would make her take you. And it did.

One of her tights instantly pushed itself between yours, keeping them open as she pulled you up onto it, both of you in a sitting position now. You clamped down on her tight, almost scared of losing the new friction against your hot core. Before you even had the chance to try and brush your clothed sex against her leg her hands had gripped your hips, pulling you forwards roughly while thrusting her leg upwards. You practically fell to pieces right then and there.

 All you could do was clutching her shoulders and try not to slip from her lap as she guided your movements. You bit her shoulder, mewling into her warm skin as she found a particularly heavenly angle that made tears come to your eyes. You hadn’t noticed how Natasha started to grind herself onto one of your tights as well until her head rolled back in pleasure, her back arching to push into you. Her shirt rubbed itself roughly against your sensitive nipples as you absently tried to get even closer to her. It was delicious – you couldn’t describe it any other way – the pain shooting through your sensitive nubs mixed with arousal and pleasure as you rubbed yourself more against her, fisting her shirt as you tried to hold her in place. It all went straight to your core, making you even more desperate.

“God, Y/N,” Natasha suddenly rasped into your ear, gripping your hair again with one hand, the other still guiding your frantic movements. “Who knew you could be so needy and willing?”

You bit her shoulder again, a high-pitched whine came from your mouth as a tear escaped your shut eyes, her words too much to handle. She spoke with such devotion and admiration, her voice low and calculated while you were practically mindless, all your focus on your pleasure, on that small spot between your legs.

“Want more?” Her voice dropped another octave.

“Please! Oh god, yes, please, please, _please_ , plea – _Oh!_ ” You practically screamed out when a single, slender finger slipped into your dripping wet core, your whole body seizing up. She had just pulled your shorts and panties to the side, like she couldn’t wait to feel you clench around her, like there was no time to take them off properly. She started to kiss your neck again while you softly bit hers, trying not to hurt her.

She still moved against your tight, her own movement becoming faster and needier, but never quiet matching yours. Using her grip on your hair she gently pulled your head away from her neck where you had been hiding your face so far just as she plunged another finger into your heat. Your head rolled back on its own then, her hand sliding further down to sprawl her fingers across your back, holding you in place, the only thing keeping you from falling backwards. Your nipples too far away from her now to brush against the fabric of her shirt now rose in the seemingly cold air of your bedroom with every panting breath you took, like they presented themselves to Natasha. She took the opportunity, suddenly taking one of them into her mouth, her teeth immediately scraping gently against the now hypersensitive nub while your head was still rolled back, eyes closed.

You could only sit there and take it, holding onto her as tightly as you possibly could, not even trying to hold back the noises of pleasure that came from your mouth. You whined and begged, not even aware what for, just letting the words tie into your moans and whimpers as you let her have her way with you.

You had no idea how long this went on, only realized that suddenly you were pushed forward again, your forehead against hers now. You didn’t dare to open your eyes, you just let your hands find their way into her hair, listening to her panting. “I’m close,” she rasped. “Come with me.”

All you could do was nod helplessly, clutching onto her even tighter now, both of your movements becoming faster and even messier than before. When her thumb found your clit all you could think was _Oh god, this is it. I’m going to cum or die or both –_

“C’mon Y/N. Look at you. How desperate you are for me.” You merely let out a mewl in approval, head rolling back again. “What a good girl. Come for me. Oh, that’s it.”

She didn’t even have to finish her sentence, driving you over the edge with her voice, still thick with arousal and _need_ , wanting you to let go with her. So you did.

-

Her heart was thrumming underneath your fingertips that gazed lightly over her chest, drawing circles underneath her collarbones from time to time. The room was still filled with sweat, deep breaths and the smell of sex.

“I have to leave,” Natasha whispered into the crown of your head. “You father would kill me if he knew what I was doing here.”

Your fingers stopped moving, considering the truth of her words. He definitely would freak out. Of course he was aware of the fact that you had a sex life, you had talked to him about crushes often enough, but not with one of his teammates or friends. That would drive him wild.

“Sure.” You rolled yourself off her chest onto the bed, propping yourself up onto your elbows. She got up and headed straight for the door, considering she didn’t have to get dressed since she didn’t get naked in the first place.

“I really enjoyed this,” she grinned once at the door, the knob already in her hand.

“As did I.” You winked at her, earning a little huff before she disappeared to spare both of you a lot of trouble.


	3. Chapter 3

It went on like that. Of course it wouldn’t end after one night, both of you enjoyed it way too much to stop doing it. Even if it meant you had to sneak around (actually only Natasha sneaked around, she was the spy after all) and keep it a secret. If at all, it made it only better, knowing that it was forbidden. You felt like a teenager in love with the bad girl. Natasha knew that and lord, did she take advantage of it.

“Shh, sweet girl, you gotta be quiet for me,” she would rasp into your ear as you sat in her lap, leaning your back against her chest, her fingers buried deep inside of you, hitting the spot that made you lose your mind over and over again. “Shh, someone might hear us.” Both of you knew that the walls in the compound were soundproof (thanks to frequent nightmares) but she had fun pretending and tormenting you, making you focus on keeping your voice low when all you wanted to do was scream and lose yourself in the pleasure she gave to you. Her other hand would move from your neck to your mouth, tilting your head back further so it rested against her shoulder as she would press her hand to your mouth tightly before she drove her fingers even harder against the little bundle of nerves inside of you.

You couldn’t help the scream that was muffled by her hand, overwhelmed by the way she was playing with you, moving faster than you could comprehend, the pressure seemingly never stopping. It just went on and on and on, your sensitive body twitching in her lap, trying to escape the pleasure that felt too great for your body to contain it – it surprised you over and over again what she could do to such a small part of you, you were never prepared for how well she knew how to drive you mad in all the best ways. It felt like she had known your body since the beginning of time, picking up how to touch you just the way you enjoyed it the most so fast you didn’t even realize it was happening.

She would guide you, let you know her body just as well as she knew yours. You soon knew all the ways you could drive _her_ mad, all the things that you make her tights clamp down and tremble around your head, muffling the sound she made until you gripped them and held her open for you to enjoy, relishing the moans that would escape her from time to time along her shaky breaths. You soon knew how to move around her little bundle of nerves in just the right way to make her see stars, you knew when she was in the mood to come fast and hard and when she wanted you to take your time to worship her.

Every time she had to unwind after a mission she came to you, after everyone else went to bed. Her mood deeply depended on how the mission went but you didn’t really care, as long as she had sneaked into your room by the end of the night. You found yourself waiting for her after every mission, your fingers impatiently fiddling with whatever they could grab until you could replace it with her hair and hips. You also found yourself missing her in the morning, craving the warmth of her body next to you, underneath you, on top of you, anywhere you could have it really. But she left every time she came, over and over again.

“Please stay,” you had murmured into the dark room one night, the sky already changing into a dimly grey.

“I can’t,” was all Natasha replied, sitting at he end of your bed, tying her combat boots she had taken off before she had practically thrown you onto the bed.

“They won’t notice.” You weren’t even sure if she had heard the whisper you had pressed into your arm that gripped the headboard above you.

“They will.” _Oh, she heard me._ You weren’t sure if that was a good thing. Standing up she turned to look at you. “You know that.” _What if I don’t care?_ You suddenly thought. _Wait, no. I didn’t mean that._

“Right. I’ll see you at breakfast.”

“Bye.” She winked at you before leaving the room. _God._ Those eyes could do thing to you.

You couldn’t be with her, you knew that. It would only get you in trouble all around. It was better to keep things in your bedroom, where it was all safe. But you weren’t, you were safe in her arms. But that was okay. You didn’t need to be with her, not like that. It was enough to have her in your room every once in a while In all honesty, you should have seen the red flags but what was the quote you had read once? _Through pink glasses all the red flags just look like flags_. You saw them, every single one of them but they didn’t seem important to you.

You noticed the way you enjoyed her touch too much, you noticed the way you held onto her afterwards, like you could keep her there with you, you noticed the way you trusted her more and more, the way you needed her more and more. But you ignored all of that. You ignored the bad feeling in the pit of your stomach and let her replace it with lust and pleasure.

You craved her presence outside the bedroom now more than ever. Even though you tried to keep it on the low you were sure she had picked up on it. You would watch more movies with her and Bucky, ask her for help when she prepared dinner for the team, subtle things like that just to be close to her. You savored every laugh you got out of her and every cocky remark she would give to you. You got more and more lost in her. You made sure she wasn’t too badly injured upon the team’s arrival before she came into your room. Still, you ignored every alarm ringing in your ears. It was glass clear but deep down you knew that you would mess it up if you admitted it, be it to yourself or Natasha herself. It would give you nothing but trouble, the one thing both of you had tried to avoid so badly. So you didn’t.

In the end, it was inevitable, of course. You knew that from the beginning, the first time you had shoved one of your lovesick thought into the back of your mind you knew that one day you would have to face every single one of them. They would come back and drown you. It was crystal clear, it was bound to happen. Your friends had made that mistake often enough and every time it had happened you had told them to just finally admit their feelings, at least to themselves but they never did until it all came crashing down on them. You had never understood why they would do it and neither did you now. You knew it was stupid so why, why did you do it? You were a smart girl, you were a Stark after all.

Yet, there you were. Pinned to bed once again, your heart thrumming in your chest from love and lust for the woman on top of you. It was dark outside as were her eyes, pupils blown wide and _maybe,_ you thought, _maybe she does the same._ _Maybe she pushes the same thoughts into the back of her mind as I do._ But before you could even consider the outcomes it could have if you voiced your concern she had already pushed her tongue into her mouth and wiped away those thoughts once again, like she always did. Natasha just had a talent for letting conscious thoughts fly out of the window.  

But your thoughts bubbled up again after she left you alone in the dark of your room. You phone screen illuminated the room as it lit up, indicating that you got a message. Your eyes didn’t even move a millimeter away from the spot on the ceiling you had been staring at since she left your room. You didn’t even know how long you had been laying there on your own, you just knew that you didn’t want to. You craved her, ached for her touch, longed for her warmth next to you. You were in love. Of course you were. You were in love and fucked, in every way possible.


	4. Chapter 4

Now that you had admitted your feeling to yourself it was time to admit them to the person you had them for. But what if she would break your heart? Everyone knows what happens when you fall for a friend you fuck. It always ends in heartbreak and tears spilled between shattered pieces of your heart. If only she was in love with you too. And maybe she was, after all. Maybe. You could ask someone. She probably would have told Clint if she had feelings for you but you couldn’t risk that. Both of you had put so much effort in keeping your nights between your bedsheets a secret, you wouldn’t mess this up for her. Especially because you knew she would get into more trouble than you would. She was the older one after all and you were your father’s little girl, no matter how old you were.

 So you tried to figure out what she thought, what she felt for you, if anything at all. You should have known better, of course, but you tried anyway. Nobody could figure out what was going on in that pretty red head of hers, especially not a lovesick girl overthinking every move she made, every word that left her mouth. After all, you had to put your oh so clever brain cells to some use and as for right now, lab work wasn’t really an option. You were too busy being on an emotional roller coaster, high on her when she was in your room, low whenever she would be distant, distracted with someone or something else. You felt as if she was throwing you around, picking you up when she pleased. The more you thought about it, the more obvious it was for you to see that she didn’t feel the same feelings you held in your heart.

But then her chest was pressed against yours again and you could feel her heart beating in synch with yours and isn’t that supposed to happen when you are in love with someone? Did she not look at you with pure and utter devotion every night that she sneaked into your room? Did she not memorize ever curve of your body? But then why did she act the same way she did before, why was there no change in her demeanor? Was she so indifferent towards what happened between you and her behind closed doors?

The more you thought about it the more you saw how she didn’t look at you the way a lover would look at you. Because, after all, you weren’t. You were just her _sweet girl_ to toy with when she wanted to. And you enjoyed that, until your thoughts made their way into your mind all the time. They wouldn’t leave you alone. They sneaked their way into the kitchen, into the living room, into the lab, even behind closed doors with her they wouldn’t leave you alone.

You would be on top of her, your hands under her shirt, cradling her waist. You mouth was on hers, her breath was in your mouth as was her tongue. As your mouth was full of her so was your mind. The lust that clouded your mind a few moments ago was now mixed with worries and guilt – you didn’t even know what you felt guilty for. Leading her on? Not telling her about your feelings?

 _You can’t ever let go now, can you_ , you silently snarled at your brain. Stupid, stupid brain and stupid, stupid love. Why did you love the only person you couldn’t have? Why was she in your bed when she didn’t want to be in your heart? Why did you let her come into your room over and over again? And why did you sound like every girl in every badly-written rom com? Who were you, Jennifer Aniston? Sandra Bullock? But _no_ , you had to be you and live through this fuckery instead of acting it out for money. Why did you have to be like this? _I bet Jennifer Aniston and Sandra Bullock learned from their movies_ you thought. After all those movies you had watched and all the stories from friends you had listened to one would think that you would know better than this, that you would know where friends with benefits end up, always, but _no_! You just had to think this would be a good idea. You could have punched yourself.

You could, of course, “just” stop fucking her. But then again, you didn’t want that either. And you just _knew_ that this would end in a catastrophe if you didn’t stop this now but the thing was: It would either way. It didn’t matter if you told her today, tomorrow or next week, it would always end horribly. So why should you not enjoy a little more time with her? You could let go, one more time and one more and just – just _one more time_. It didn’t make you happy, of course. She would never make you happy. But you told yourself that it did. People in love always do that. They always want to see the good things, always want everything to work out. Love lies. People in love lie. As did you. You lied and lied and lied. Everything you could think of was lies. Lies you told and lies she told:

She would look at you like you were her world at night but when the sun raised her light washed away every ounce of love her gaze held for you. She lied every night she spent with you. You would look at her like she was your world because she _was_ but in the morning when the moon stopped shining you tried to let it take away the shimmer in your eyes as well. You lied to her every day you saw her. Your love was meant for the nights you spent with her, not the days you ached for her.

In the end the two of you weren’t the only ones entangled in your web of lies. Not only Natasha couldn’t know what you felt underneath her. Nobody could. Especially not your father. You tried to hide your feelings from him the most, not only your devotion for one of the most important women in his life, but also the fatigue and the exhaustion that came along with it. Sleep seemed to be as indifferent towards you as Natasha was, leaving you alone to listen to sad songs and stare at the ceiling while wishing you could talk to someone just so you could get some rest. The dark circles beneath your eyes proved that whatever you wished was not heard by whoever could have given you peace. But then again, none of your wishes from these past months had been heard. You didn’t even get your hopes up anymore.

“Hey, sweetheart. You alright?” You tore your eyes away from a calculation you had tried to focus on for the past three minutes. Your father looked at you with apprehension that made your guts twist in fear. _He found out._

“Yeah. Why?” You tried to keep your voice steady and even.

“I don’t think you’ve been getting enough sleep.” _Oh god. He knows_. “Is something going on? You know if there is someth-“

“No!” Your voice was panicked, you could hear it. There was  no way he would believe you. Even if he didn’t know what was going on, he knew something was seriously wrong now. And he would find out. The look in his eyes just confirmed your fear. _Busted_.

“I.. I just don’t really – you know – I don’t really wanna talk about it.” You scrambled together your papers, eager to get out of the lab before he could interrogate you on the matter. A soft hand on your arm froze you to the spot. _Fuck, fuck, fuck -_  

“If you do – you know that you can. Right?”

You almost started to cry right then and there. He cared for you as deeply as no one else did and all you did was betray him and lie to him, sneaking around behind his back just so you could have a little fun and break your heart in the end. He deserved better than that. Hell, _you_ deserved better than that. You deserved to be with someone, to have someone care about you as deeply as you cared about them, their devotion not leaving their eyes when they left your room. You deserved to be treated as more than just some random fuck.

-

“We have to end this.” Before she had even completely entered the room you had already said it. It was clear from the beginning that once she would be close to you, once she had her hands on you it would be over, another missed chance. You couldn’t deny her anything when she was that close to you. It was supposed to be harder. You expected tears spilling from your eyes, your voice catching in your throat. But you just said it and even though it tasted bitter it would heal you. Like good medicine. Laughing may be the best medicine but sometimes tears can save you from dying of thirst.

She softly closed the door, not daring to walk any further into your room. “What?”

“You heard me perfectly.” Your voice was not cold, it could never be towards her. But it was not filled with the usual desire that bubbled inside of you when she was in your room. There was regret and hurt, knowing what was about to come.

“Y/N, what’s the sudden matter?” She didn’t seem to understand. How could she have missed the way you had been feeling lately? Hell, not lately, for the past _months_ you had been drowning in your feelings, how could she have missed that? _She doesn’t care about you._ And there it was. The everlasting truth in bad romances. Fucks are given but not the ones that you need. That’s why it always ends in broken hearts.

“Have you really not seen what I have been going through?” Your voice now cracked, the painful truth punching the air out of your lungs. “Have you really not seen the way I look at you? Not just here but always, all the time?” Your whisper rushed through the thick air in the room, making Natasha furrow her brows but getting no response out of her. Anger mixed itself into the tightness in your chest at her confusion, only confirming what you feared. She really was indifferent towards you, more than you expected.

A humorless laugh rang through your dry throat. “Of course you haven’t.” tears started to form in your eyes as you looked at your folded hands resting in your lap. “You just really don’t care about me, do you?”

“Y/N, of course I care about you.” She reached out her hand even though she was still way too far away from you to actually touch you, even after the hesitant step she took towards you.

“No, you care about Tony’s daughter, not me. It’s him you care about, I’m only a little piece he brings along. That’s why you spent time with me in the first place.” Your anger now flamed up a little, making you raise your voice slightly. How does she dare lie to you n _ow_? When the truth was supposed to be told? When you already told her what you knew, what the truth was? It was already out there, not even the Black Widow could catch it now, like she always did.

“Is that it? Is this about him?”

The look you gave her apparently managed to convey your confusion.

“Are you scared that he will find out?”

Did she listen to _a word_ you just said? “Natasha,” you said slowly, taking a slow, calculated step forward.

“I am scared of you not stopping to break my heart because you will never understand that I am not your little fuck toy you can use whenever you fucking want to,” you spat out.

“Oh really? It didn’t seem to bother you the last time I was in your bed.”

It felt like the last remaining bits of air were finally punched out of your lungs. Was this what she felt like on missions?

“Leave,” was all you could bring yourself to croak out, voice clouded with tears and pain, the anger now gone.

Maybe your dad was right. You shouldn’t trust other people with your heart like that.

He only wanted to protect you. If only he hadn’t brought you here. If only you would have been as smart as everybody thought you were.


	5. Chapter 5

 

Natasha closed your door softly behind herself, careful not to make any noise. Her tired legs felt shaky as she simply stood there, the knob of your door still in her hand. She hadn’t realized how tightly she was holding onto it until her eyes caught a glimpse of her white knuckles. She wanted to let go – of the knob, of you, of the nights you spent together and the harm she had caused once again – but her palms just got sweatier, her knees weaker when that thought occurred. She was sure she would collapse without that support.

Not only you had known where this would lead. It had to happen, Natasha knew that the first night she had you. None of that was planned but once your taste was in her mouth and your scent in her nose she wanted to have it again and again. Just not the same way you did. She didn’t want all of you. She didn’t want your soul in your heart, she didn’t want you to intertwine your hands while cuddling afterwards. But she let you do it anyway. You deserved a little tenderness, as much as she could give you.

You were probably sitting on your bed with your hands covering your face as if to muffle the sounds of crying, like anyone would be able to hear them through these walls. Not even Bucky or Steve would be able to pick them up.

You had been right. You weren’t her sex toy yet she had treated you like one. Natasha knew exactly where she went wrong and what she should and _could_ have done better but now - it was all over. Your heart was broken yet she felt like the victim. Like you had betrayed her, like you should have done better. Like you should have known better than to let her have her way with you. You were the smart one after all, even if you weren’t the one in control.

She was never keen about breaking hearts. Sometimes it had to be done. She just never meant to break yours. And _god_ , did she wish she didn’t have to. God, did she wish she could love you. But she didn’t. She had just always been a very good liar. It’s what she was best at, besides fighting.

And she could have lied to you. But you deserved better than that. You deserved better than her. Better than someone who toyed with you. You always had. And broken hearts can heal. _Just give it time._ Right?


End file.
